On Being Alone

  My friend recently blogged about being alone and being in a group or a partnership/marriage. I thought I would reflect on this subject in my blog.  I was alone quite a lot during my life. I was an only child. We moved a lot. I loved my friends and my parents and my family and the people in our churches but they were not always there. My Parents had between six and eight churches most of the time when I was young-less when I was older. Daddy worked at carpentry, grew a garden, Momma canned and sewed to make ends meet.  They studied for their services for hours preparing to preach or teach, prayed and visited in the community, hospitals, and funeral homes many times a week. It was "our normal."  They loved me dearly and provided for me in a way that is a miracle, really.  They were different, Mom fiery and determined, not to be messed with, but great with a story and could make something out of almost nothing.  Daddy was quiet, strong, stubborn, smiling.  Mom worried about everything.  Daddy didn't worry.  Mom was careful.  Daddy pushed the edge.  How fast would the car go-he would find out.  I was caught in the middle a lot.  Between them.  Between the world against my Mother ( many hated her for being a minister, don't think so-ask someone even today about female preachers and see what they say) and the burden they both carried for the churches.  That burden became my burden very early in my life.  That is a lonely life for a little girl. My family lived mostly in Kentucky and Indiana and we only saw them a few times a year. I am still friends with my best friend from childhood. We met when I was 5 I think but we only shared three years of school together and then visited as often as we could from then-our families being close friends. I loved the church people I met and their presence in my life really filled in a lot of interest in how people are different. I have always loved the differences in people. I think that is my favorite thing -how people are so alike and how they are so different. My friend Marie who is one of the strongest women I have ever met and who has overcome more hurt than almost anyone I know and remains an optimist, laughs when I tell her I find most people beautiful, but I do. I wish I could find myself beautiful but I haven't gotten there yet. I played a lot by myself and learned a lot about being alone. It would be different now. I rode my bike and later my motorcycle everywhere. I explored the fields and countryside. I stayed outside playing any kind of ball I could find. I practiced my bat swing and pitch for hours at a time. I would get a rubber ball and pitch it against the concrete walls of the garage for hours at a time. I later did this with a tennis ball using my racket to play the "US Open, etc" in my mind for thousands of hits. Now I won't even let Sarah Morgan out in the yard without me to watch her. She asked me one day if she could just go around the mini barn and meet me on the other side of the house-I realized how close a watch I keep on her-but my friend Carol is a detective and she works a lot of OVERTIME trying to keep women and the elderly and children safe so I know who can be out there in the world to do irreversible harm. I must get Sarah Morgan more opportunities to be with other kids and freedom outside and open the world for her more. I married at 29 years old so I had several years on my own. I lived alone for a while. My college friends I call the sisters and I traveled all over the country camping along the way and I could never understand why my Mom was so worried. I understand now! I couldn't get up from the sleeping bag the next day if I tried camping today but my friends and I still travel and they have accepted Jon as a brother. One of them married after me and we accepted Daniel as a brother. I love them all so much. They took much of my loneliness away. The other two are single and a great inspiration to me. They are confident, beautiful, well-read and well traveled. We all love history and places and books and movies and restaurants, and did I mention BOOKS! I have learned the most probably from the women with which I have worked. They are a unique breed, they are tough and gentle and everything in between that any situation calls for. They have taught me about being a mother, a teacher, loyalty and friendship. Old and young I love them for what they bring to the table of life. Then there is Jon, my husband. He is everything I love and need. He is genuine, gentle, kind, funny, self denying, hard working, and so very loving. He thinks I'm beautiful and tells me that every day. He tells me one of his greatest desires is for me to see myself one day through his eyes-I hope I can someday. We are pretty well "joined at the hip." I depend on him too much I think.  I don’t mind eating out alone or going to a movie alone.  Travel-that would be hard for me.  I don’t drive as well as I used to and flying is really hard for me to do.  I was the bodyguard on those camping trips seeing the USA all those years ago. I carried the baseball bat and slept with it by my side in our tent each night. I grew up with guns but don't carry one. My Father wouldn't even let me play cowboys and Indians cause he said you can't even play like you are shooting someone. He impressed on me gun safety and responsibility. He always said never pick up a weapon that you don't intend to use-OR have used on you. That gives you pause. If asked wouldn't he protect his family with one of his guns he would always answer-I don't know what I'd do until I was in that situation. I kinda feel the same way and hope I never have to find out. It's funny though I would have been kicked out of school for zero tolerance because I always carried a pocket knife in my purse. My Father gave me several that I treasure and I have purchased several throughout my life. I just never thought of them as a weapon but just another tool. That wouldn't work today, would it? Anyway, I think the world is a very hard place for a woman alone and I think the single mothers and grandmothers of the world are the most courageous group of people in the world. I think then that economics is rough on women, also-tougher than men-I just do. Lastly, on being alone-some of the most aloneness I have ever felt came when I was in a crowd of people. When I was shy or misunderstood or different or whatever. Most of the alienation came from my own mind but it is a terrible aloneness. During those times I have always sought God. God has always been there for me. The ray of hope, the thing I leaned on, the thing I trusted, the thing in which I believed-not understood but believed. Sometimes He seemed so far away but I still had faith that He was indeed near and I trusted in that I could not see or feel until I could feel it again.  I know there will probably come a time in life when I am alone again.  I hope I have the wisdom to live it and not fear it.